Ollivander's Surprise
by blackbananas
Summary: The old wandmaker takes revenge on the impeding rush of MarySues in the wizarding world. First story. Don't let that deter you, because it's awesome. CHAPTER 3 NOW UP.
1. Ollivander's Plan

Disclaimer: I am not rolling in dollars or pounds or any other type of currency. It sucks too. Does that give you a clue?

Mr. Ollivander was an old, tired man. He didn't mind seeing all those fresh new faces purchasing their wands, ready to be inducted into their training for the Wizarding world. It was his pride and joy to see the children walk proudly out of his store with a wand he had especially crafted in mind of someone like them. He had dedicated his life to that very cause. But, as of late, he hadn't been feeling quite well.

He had attributed it to his stamina diminishing with age. He didn't seem to have the patience anymore to sit at his workbench and, oh-so-carefully, pick the best part of the wood and the best-fitting unicorn hairs or phoenix feathers or what have you; determine through careful examination the best length and width; carve out the wand and polish it with care; and check it for any of the usual defects. He got anxious working over the wands for so many hours a day. He worried, for a bit, that he was losing his nerve. But he brushed the thought aside and instead purchased numerous wellness potions, and drank them all ritualistically according to the instructions. He had been doing that for a number of weeks now. Funnily enough, he knew even now that it didn't seem to be any sort of lurgy afflicting him. He knew, in his heart, that it was something deeper and more lasting than that. But even he couldn't quite put his finger on it; point it out as precisely as he observed anomalies in the wood, or breaks in the hair fibers. All of this was a cloudy mystery to him, until one day at his shop.

Mr. Ollivander always greeted his customers with a sincere smile, even on days like these. He saluted the couple, a mother and daughter, and turned to begin unshelving his boxed crafts, when he noticed, just out of chance, the thing that might have been bothering him.

"Good morning, Mr. Ollivander," a melodic voice sounded. It came from the child standing close to him. She looked surreal, yet unordinary; as her wondrously beautiful looks seemed to be a mere sample of the other hordes of girls who had been flocking here. Ollivander peered over his spectacles to get a better look at her.

"It's going to be great going to Hogwarts, isn't it, Mum? I bet I'll get to meet Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy and Fred and George Weasley and everything!" The little girl began flitting around his shop, looking into boxes of wands and jamming them back into incorrect places. She turned to the astonished man. "Just so you know, I'm an animagus and a metamorphmagus and I have wings and I'm part Veela, so you'll probably have to give me a really really special wand." She stared pointedly at an unboxed hawthorn creation that, strangely enough, seemed to be of a serene lavender-no, flamboyant pink-no, deep midnight bluish hue. Good Merlin, he didn't make color-changing wands! In fact, he hadn't even heard of any. By this point, Ollivander was confused beyond belief.

The girl picked up on Mr. Ollivander's astonished response. "Oh, you must be surprised because you didn't think anybody in the world had enough magical power to take that wand and it was just waiting for me, right?" The wand's temperamental hues seemed to be have a mirrored effect on the color of the girl's irises. "Well, that's alright, I'm probably legendary, you see, so I think that wand's good enough for me!" Mr. Ollivander blanched. Merlin, these children could chat the hind legs off unicorns.

The ostentatious little girl and her mother left, paying the requisite amount of galleons, and left Mr. Ollivander to sit and think in peace. Another one. It was his fourth since opening shop this week, with a total of thirteen from last. There were remarkable similarities between the little self-proclaimed prodigies. He wondered if all of these little chatterboxes were related, but he decided it didn't matter. He left his shop and decided he'd think it over a sundae at Florean's.

"Good morning, Mr. Ollivander! And what would you like for breakfast today?" Florean only sold sweets. It was the little joke of his that had started off casual conversation of theirs for years.

"A triple fudge with nuts, if you will. You know how I fancy eating healthy." He grinned at the shop owner, glad to rise above the madness in his mind today.

"Right-o. Hear that, Sam?" His young assistant regarded the order with a wink and a jovial wave of his hand, saying 'hello' to Mr. Ollivander as well. Mr. Fortescue went down to sit with him at one of the tables.

"Ah, what a morning! How've things been in your shop? You seem to be getting the worst of it." He panned the alley while he said 'it.'

"Quite surprising. It's the oddest thing, seeing all those children about, and during the school year. It's been an all-hours business," he admitted. He did not mention the incident with the wand of his.

"Oh, it's been hectic for all of us! And you're right. It gives me half a mind to owl Hogwarts and see if they're tinkering with their school year." Florean rolled his eyes upon saying this. "You haven't been notified by chance, have you? I'd love to hear what's going on."

An issue jutted up in Mr. Ollivander's mind, and he couldn't help but speak about it. "Honestly Florean, the only owls I'm getting these days are from people saying their wands don't work, and they're coming in droves." His eyes turned downward and he gave a sad smile.

Florean was up in arms in an instant. "Oh, that's rubbish! You're not serious, are you?"

"I'm afraid I am."

Fortescue scowled. "Why, the day that Mr. Ollivander's wands have a problem is the day I marry a mountain troll! Do they even have an argument?"

At this, Ollivander's face lit up with a bit of merriment. "Oh, usually, their _argument _has something to do with that their spells don't function the way they're supposed to. Oftentimes they're not even saying them right in the first place!"

"_Really?_"

"Oh yes, I found this out after I had owled a number of them, and I'll be jiggered if they weren't always the same spells. I've heard _Engrorego, Wengradium Leaveossa,_ and even_ Exepto Pratornum_..."

"Oh now you're just _fibbing_, that can't be–"

Ollivander grinned, his face full of merriment this time. "Oh, you know me Florean, I don't lie if I can help myself. It certainly does sound like rubbish, though."

Fortescue's face had a look of polite appalment. "Oh, that's not the Hogwarts I knew as a boy! Who are the teachers there?"

"As far as I know, they've had a stable staff except for their Defence teacher, like always..."

The ice cream maker shook his head. "Either the teachers have gone mad, which I don't think to happen soon, or some_ certain_"he had an unusual look of pointed discontentment "students need quite a lot of help in catching up from their middle-of-the-year enrollments."

The two were silent as Sam brought the enormous sundae, close to a foot high, to the table. The assistant tipped his hat, and left them.

Ollivander spoke for the first time in what seemed like a long time. "Well, I've had an idea..."

Florean grinned again. "One of your little ideas, eh? Come on, out with it! You're not an evil-minded person."

"Well, I'd been saving it for another day..."

"And what other day is as good as this one?"

"I meant _the _plan for another day, you know!" His eyes sparkled through his spectacles at Fortescue.

At once the shopkeeper understood. "Oh-ho! Oh really? Well, by all means!" He was trying to suppress giggles.

The wandmaker considered his enthusiastic companion. He was the type to have never completely grown up, and it showed often. He was good to have a laugh with, but Ollivander never quite took him too seriously. But today he felt different.

"You know, I think you're right after all!"

"Well it's good to be right after all rather than after some, isn't it?"

The pair laughed and continued talking, and Fortescue helped Ollivander finish the sundae.

**END OF CHAPTER 1**

**big smile _Your opinions count..._annoying wheedle**


	2. The Fight at Hogwarts

A fight was occurring at Hogwarts.

"Oh yeah? Well, you know how _stupid_ being half-vampire _is_?" The new exchange student with the pink-and-blue hair (with red and purple streaks) was quite enraged, and willing to fight. Her opponent, another exchange student with black-and-red hair (with white and green streaks), was equally angry. Nobody at Hogwarts knew their names or, rather, they couldn't pronounce them. Despite this, they made their presence soundly known on these occasions.

The pallid, red-and-black-haired one, with a haughty look on her face, stamped the ground. "You are the ugliest thing ever, and the forces of darkness and vampireness compel me to KILL YOU!"

She stood back and took a dramatic pose. The sizable crowd of onlookers screamed. A bewildered gaggle of Hufflepuff third-years covered their eyes. "ADAVAS KARDVA!"

Everybody in the audience held their breath. The half-vampire retained her dramatic pose and smirked. Then, suddenly,

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her wand made a loud noise of breaking wind and emitted a horrific smell to match. Everybody begin either screaming again or laughing, and some even fell to the floor at the odor. The pink-and-blue-haired girl, however, remained standing. Her formerly-shimmering-pink eyes had now turned a blood-red color.

"Oh, is that so? Your _wand_ is _broken_. Ha-HA, don't think I'll spare you!"

Her eyes emitted sparks as she stood back and took an equally dramatic pose.

"ARVA KRADAVRA!"

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All the onlookers were now engulfed in a cloud of brown fog. More of the students succumbed and dropped to the ground. The poor Hufflepuffs were forming a huddle to breathe, but it was futile against the unearthly stench. They dropped to the stone floor as well.

Both fighters were still standing. They glared their most intimidating looks at each other, and sparks flew from both sets of crimson-colored eyes. The sparks were just enough so that a fire wasn't ignited from the gas and they were all blown to kingdom come.

"That's it!" the blue-and-pink-haired one shouted. "If you think you can have my Drakie-poo, I'll make you pay for good!" The remaining conscious onlookers took a small break from their expressions of grotesqueness to skeptically mouth _Drakie-poo?_ to themselves in appall.

"He loves me more and you know it, you little bitch!" The vampire-like features of the second one seemed to stand out even more upon saying these words. In fact both of the girls looked rather vampiric upon consideration.

At the remark, the first one lost her temper and reached for her wand again. The second one was prepared and they both began casting at the same time.

"ARAVA KAVDRA!" Chaos had ensued in the room.

"ARMADA KEREVDA!" Screaming could be heard two floors upward.

"AVADA CADAVER!" The only light visible was the sparks from the girls' eyes.

"AVRA CADAVRA!" The yelling was at its loudest; then it became quiet and everything stopped.

The wands broke free and united in the air, high above the heads of the dueling girls and those cowering below. Even through all the dense smog and the echoes of the yelling, a booming voice could be heard.

"WHERE IS YOUR CANON NOW!

Terrible, execrable laughter echoed through the vast hallways of Hogwarts, shaking the rest of the school from their everyday somnolence, and ringing demonically in their ears. Professor Snape heard it, down in the depths of his dungeon quarters. Over in Hagrid's cabin, Fang's ears perked up. Everyone in the school heard what followed. 

"HA HA HA HA. AH HA HA HA. . ."

It was the loudest in the little battlefield, where the only two people still standing were trembling and shivering.

"What's happening?" The two prodigious girls were forced to speak to each other now.

"I don't know! I think it's Voldemort's doing, probably!" Those on the ground still alert drew in breath sharply, causing them to faint like the others.

"But, who would've sent him?" A silence. It almost seemed as if, for a moment, they had sided with each other. At this moment they could have sided up with one another against their common enemy. Then the blue-and-pink-haired girl decided to break that frail truce.

"You did, you slutbag!"

"Me! How dare you!" This time, she forgot to change her eye color to crimson. She simply threw herself at the girl, and aimed for a half-nelson.

The yelling and cursing began again, and much of the silky, flawless hair was ripped out between the two, and much of the beautiful looks had been destroyed by the time the professors got there.

Dumbledore was the first to make it across the still-endangering smog. He had on an expression normally reserved for when people commit true evils knowingly. It was rarely seen, but none of the other professors minded, as they really wanted to see the two students laid perfect waste to.

"Tell me what all this commotion is about."

The fighting ceased and both of them looked up at the headmaster. They did not seem to notice his anger at them, and instead attributed his expression to the looming stench.

"Oh, Headmaster Dumbledore, if you want to get rid of the smell, all you have to do is a simple Freshening charm. Here, let me show you-"

"_Headmaster Dumbledore_ is quite alright, and does not need help from insufferable brats such as yourself." Snape was more than peeved at being interrupted from his studies.

"Thank you, Severus, I can take it from here," said the Headmaster gently, though the look on his face had not softened. He looked at the girls directly. "Again, tell me why you decided to do this."

The poor girls, seeing they weren't about to get away scot-free, began their explanations simultaneously.

"She started it-"

"She called me a bitch-"

"She said my hair looked stupid-"

"She said I couldn't get a date with the Giant Squid-"

"She's a no-good Squib Muggle Deatheater!"

"Yeah, well you're a fucking-"

"_Silence,_ both of you!" McGonagall looked more livid than usual. It was a wonder how she had not began shrieking at them for their insolence. Incidentally, if any students were awake upon hearing the swearing, even they would have sided with the professors. Hogwarts was much too prestigious to allow that sort of talk regularly.

The two girls stopped, and Dumbledore spoke again. "Because of the severity of this, it will be up to Minerva and Severus as your heads of houses to decide your punishment." Most of the professors in line couldn't hide smirks, as they couldn't think of two people more perfect at this point.

Snape and McGonagall shared a glance, and it was obvious to everybody but the two students what was going to happen.

"Write your parents."

"Pack your luggage."

"Do it now."

The vindictive looks on the faces of the two professors had an air of marked similarity. The astonished looks on the students' faces were respectively alike as well.

"But I didn't-"

"Yes you did, you b-"

The professors had had enough. They grabbed the students by their perfectly tanned arms and hauled them away.

The teachers shared a look of relief, and shook their heads before setting to work on reviving the students.

* * *

And, far away at his little workbench, Mr. Ollivander the wandmaker laughed.

**END OF CHAPTER 2**

**I cannot tell you HOW much I wanted Snape and Mcgonagall to say, "Pack your shit and go." XD Thank you very much to all of you who read or reviewed the first chapter!**


	3. Enter Serenity Starlight Voldemort

**Disclaimer: I don't make money off of this. Sadly. I could buy more marked-down Halloween candy if I did.**

**Chapter 3: Hermione Granger Serenity Starlight Voldemort: Part I**

By now, the whole of Hogwarts had heard about the fight. As is typical of Hogwarts, the actual truth differed greatly; some proclaiming the students had exploded half of first floor during the fight that night, and others (like Luna Lovegood) insisting that a Crumple-horned Snorckack residing in the area teamed up with a hinkypunk and lured them into the path of the teachers. It was not, however, argued that the students didn't deserve what they got in the end. The two exchange students were never very popular, even with their over-friendliness to some of the male students in their year. In the end, the school continued along smoothly, and resigned themselves back to their studies and hard work.

Only one student, after all the commotion died away, took even a mild interest in the disappearance of the two flamboyant girls. Through all her school years, she had been regarded as sharp and inquisitive, and perhaps knowing too much for her own good. She was the student formerly known as Hermione Granger, and she now went by the title of Serenity Starlight Voldemort. After last summer holidays, her fellow Gryffindors had noticed many peculiar changes in her personality, the least of which was claiming to be illustrious royalty and the daughter of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Albus Dumbledore. According to her, Dumbledore had been very gracious in allowing his partner to give her the last name, albeit not even his last name. How she claimed she was conceived was unclear, but, naturally, her two best friends from school were trying to let live the reverie she had seemingly slipped into, instead of trying to reason with her. This did not keep her from exploiting her newly-found habits of heroism and self-righteous soliloquy, such as in her current fixation. Though the school and the staff were not interested in the two girls' disappearance, Serenity could not let go of the idea. It was quite conspicuous in even her daily relations, such as at breakfast one day.

"Oh, Harry and Ron, can't you think what _happened_ to those poor girls? It's bound to be all over the papers now, don't you _see?_" Serenity, formerly Hermione, always made sure to have a passionate monologue every morning. This was noticed, not because she hadn't been nagging about this and that before, but rather her speeches didn't make a lick of sense now.

"They got expelled. Don't you know by now?" Harry Potter groaned inside his head. He secretly missed the days where Hermione chided him for his ignorance, not the other way around.

"Uhm? Whassat, Herm-er-Serenity?" Ron Weasley's morning grogginess was not helped by the fact that he usually couldn't understand her accent. "You sound like a Yank again."

"How many times do I have to _tell_ you, Ron? I went to _America_ over the summer when I met my _father_ at his city _mansion_!"

"Father? The States?" Ron rubbed his eyes and tried to keep his head up.

"Yes! Hel-_lo_, my last name is _Voldemort_ now." The other students were too sleepy to comprehend her this time. "I met him in L.A. where he and Dumbles own the _acting company_?"

Harry had been ignoring her, but felt the need to speak up now. "Dumbles?"

"Uh-_duh_, the principal here? The main man?"

"Hermione, I don't know what a principal is, but I think you're talking about Headmaster Dumbledore."

The girl scowled. "It's Serenity, and I can call him whatever I want because I'm... like that!"

By this time Ron was too distracted trying to keep his head out of his porridge bowl. Harry replied again. "Alright." He didn't want to call her by the new name. Trying to distract her, he said, "Hey look, we have Charms first with the Ravenclaws. Are you ready?"

"No, Harry. I'm shirking today. You should too, I have something to talk about."

_By now, her grades should be the worst in the year_, Harry bitterly thought. But, at the same time, he knew she wasn't to be trusted alone. He ended up reluctantly following her after breakfast.

When they finally stopped moving, they were at the threshold to a dingy bathroom. At that point, Harry demanded to know what was going on.

"Ok Harry, this is what I think happened. The girls were attacked-"

"No they weren't, they were expelled, Hermione!"

"_Listen!_ And it's Serenity!" She took a deep breath. "As I was saying, and I'm probably right, Tom Riddle let them down into the Chamber of Slytherin with the Basl-Blask- the _snake!_"

"Hermione, I _killed_ the basilisk back in second year-"

Upon being confronted like this, Serenity's face took on a livid look and lost her temper. "_NO_, it's _NOT_, _I'm_ the smart one here, it came back to life or something, _SHUT UP BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!"_ Harry wished two things at that very loud moment: that he had packed a headache potion for himself, and that his companion brushed her teeth more often. He gritted his teeth.

"If you're so sure, then, lead the way," he mumbled.

The illustrious girl grabbed his hand and into the bathroom they went.

**End of Chapter 3**

**It was going to be a whole story of Serenity, but I got tired. Don't blame me, it's finals week. Thank you for all who read and/or reviewed again!**

**... And I'm sorry for any inconsistencies.** **I didn't look it over.**


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